Summer of '09

Summer of '09 has been one of alot of changes - some good, some bad. And alot of self examination to try and figure out who I am and where my life has been going. With the exception of a 2.5 month independent contractor job, I have been unemployed since November of 2008.

I'd like to say it has been nice being off work but it hasn't. It has been a constant struggle. For months, I was angry at the law firm that laid me off. I am divorced and I could not give my 15 year old son the Christmas I so wanted too. He didn't mind but I did.

Now I regret that I was laid off from that job and have sat down and thought over areas where I should have and could have done better. I hope to take that knowledge to my next job and do well there....when I find one.

It's hard to not be able to run out the door and get things I need and want at WalMart. I can't do that anymore. I have to sit down and see how much I might can spend and then priortize. Obviously, things like medicine, food, soap, shampoo come before new shoes or clothes. I've also learned that it's okay for clothes to come from the Thrift Store. Today I bought a pair of 6.99 blue jeans and a pair of 4.99 shoes at the Thrift Store. Compare that to at least $20 each from WalMart and I saved 50%.

I also have used this time to think about things I'd like to have in my next marriage. I don't mean material things - I mean emotional things. Some folks would call this "woman talk" but it's been a long, painful process to get to where I am today. Where am I?

I do know I want to remarry. This time last year I was too angry to even think about it.

I do know I am no longer angry at my ex. That took some counseling but I think we both are there.

I do know I do not want to remarry my ex. Admit it - if you're divorced and think you aren't going to find someone else, don't you think about running back to your ex? Don't you question "was it really that bad?" from time to time? Time has a way of playing tricks on our minds, our memories and our hearts but don't let it. Don't be like Lot's wife and look back and become a pillar of salt. Look ahead.

I do know some of the qualities I'd like in my next (and last!) husband. Besides the obvious physical attraction, I would like him to be my friend, a best friend, someone who makes me laugh, someone whose voice I like hearing, someone who is passionate and loving and kind (not perfect, I know perfect doesn't exist) and someone who when he sees me, smiles...and someone who I can sit next to whether we've been married one year or twenty and I still think he's a handsome man and I am still attracted to him.

Does this person exist? Yes. And hopefully over time, as you read this blog, we'll both find out who he is!